Suicide Prevention Hotips

You've scoured the internet for advice on your pending suicide and through the muck and rake of asphxiation and exsanguination, your search results have brought you here.

Or perhaps you are a foreigner who doesn't know how to use proper grammar when looking up childporn, jailbait, or pussyholics anonymous.

Either way- welcome to your salvation. Unless you really are looking for child porn. I can't pass for younger than 14. My sincerest apologies for failing your erection.

But for you, suicidal guy or gal, for you, I have a very simple truth that will motivate you towards unlimited success:

Nobody gives a fuck. Not a flying fuck and not a hot fuck. You can go ahead and drown yourself in an inch of water, but you're not making an impact. You're gonna make your momma's heartbreak. And if you don't have a momma, then find one. Your suicide may ruin the lives of those in your immediate circle ( perhaps even in the peripheral circle as well, if your tits are really big) but will not shift any positive change in the world. The news won't cover it- unless you're rich, white, gay, or you made sure to have your organs splash onto a camera lens.

You want to off yourself on account of revenge? No- that won't work. Whoever you want to get back at doesn't give a shit. They probably wouldn't even know you were dead.  And then the people who do know will just think your a selfish fuck for killing yourself on behalf of another selfish fuck who used your body up and left your soul for dead.

No- if you really want to kill yourself, get famous first. Get an outrageous amount of public exposure and pay off paparazzi to take pictures of your used douches and free clinic files. Make a big scene- be on the cover of every magazine even though you don't do shit and what you do couldn't possibly be worth media coverage. Say inconceivably ignorant things and profit from both sides of the argument.

Then, while everybody's screaming and whispering your name, swallow twenty balloons filled with confetti and strap a bomb to your leg and jump out of blimp during the superbowl half-time show. Make it fun for everybody and live on in infamy.

Unless you're going to kill yourself in a meticulously similar way, don't bother. It's a waste of tax-payer money.