Cosmo sex tip #89 (Vol.251, No.6)

Cosmo sex tip #89:"Get pleasure from his feet (really): Lie down, legs apart, with your guy standing above you. He should then use his (clean!) big toe to stimulate your clitoris."


Cosmo, I'm all about you. I have been all about your hot tips since I was 13 years old. I still remember the Latin Lovers special and the little blurb of advice you gave me about sucking off a delectable Hispanic man with hot coffee in your mouth.


I never felt particularly keen about wasting coffee, but I don't want to half-ass this sassy trick with cheap beans, so I'm waiting on Mr. Right. I'm sure he's easy to find, provided you've chemically altered your standards to a properly insignificant factor.

Unless you're a lazy and compulsory masturbator. In which case, Mr. Right is second best to your right hand. (Left if you feel like being violated)


But I digress. I got this issue of Cosmo because I want to earnestly and eagerly learn how to improve the allure of my loins. You see, since my loins grew and my heart didn't, I haven't been feeling very sexy at all. In fact, about 60% of me believes that I have honestly forgotten how to have proper sex. The other 40% just thinks about mayonnaise all day long. Passionately.


Cosmo has some great tips- It does! I learned about the taint massage, the fingernails on the ass cheeks during a blowjob, the varieties of blowjob methods, safely practicing reverse cowgirl without breaking a dick, how to break a dick, how to deal with a sassy pussy, how to make a teeny peeny feel a bit less teeny, why my period makes me tired and why my boobs get sore- all kinds of stuff.


But I draw the line at getting toe'd. I do not ever want to get toe'd... the fact that you have to "really" me with parentheses is already a warning signal to be heeded with conspicuous attention.

I mean... I have awful toes. Terrible mean and unsexy feet. It's not like I do much- they're just beaten and bruised; sick and tired of the laughing world. They are the feet of a woman's dream deferred.


A man's feet cannot be much better than my own. Especially not the men I like- straight men.

Gay men might have beautiful feet- And as such, those beautiful and carefully pedicured toes may bless a graceful and sweetly puckered asshole without any indecent amount of anxiety or self-conscious doubt.

The man I want to have sex with all the time does not have nice feet. I haven't checked, but I would be alarmed if he had hairless feet that tasted of ambrosia bathed in marigolds. Toenails too- I don't care how clean your feet are, you got some weird ass toenails and I am not trying to get my vagina vaginoplastied before 25.


So yes, I will take ice cubes and force whatever gentleman I might be keen on to take a cramped bath with me while I keep dropping them in the warm dirty water. Yes I will watch porn with you and squirm uncomfortably as a girl in a latex nurse outfit receives a whipped cream enema. I'll even slide a candy necklace around my thigh and have you nibble it off, then tongue out whatever piece you bit-half that fell into my half-way bits.


But you gotta be muthafuckin insane to think I'm gonna let a man toe me.


What's next?

Cosmo sex tip 121: "Feeling full after a big meal? Just take a horse laxative and squat on his chest while he plays with anal beads- Nothing is more intimate than scatological sexy time. Bonus Points for quickie weight loss!"